I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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