Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
