He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
