i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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