He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
3pm strippers are depressing
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
