Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
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I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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