shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
