I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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