this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
