Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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