I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
