So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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