Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
