you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
