The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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