maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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