Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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