Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
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The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
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Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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