I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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