3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Four minutes until I can fart!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
