Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
