he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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