She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
