Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
