Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
my liver is dry heaving
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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