I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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