You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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