If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
