not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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