oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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