In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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