we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
