Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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