The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
