I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
