I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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