My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We had to coat check the pizza.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
