The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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