Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
