if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
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I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
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the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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