I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
