i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
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You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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