sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize