The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
how does that bad decision feel?
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