1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
