she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
