how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
