I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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