Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
