every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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