Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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