She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
